Another Day

Well, not much has changed since my last entry, other than my attitude. I can’t keep driving myself crazy. I am still appying for jobs, and I am on all of employment sites every day. But, I am not as obsessed as I was. I still have not gotten any word about my unemployment eligibility, and that is a constant source of stress. It has been seven weeks since I have gotten any income. I worry that my savings will soon be gone. I don’t want to have to depend on my partner, my family or the government to support me. I am starting to sleep at night, but simply because I am exhausted. I am trying to eat and not feel sick. I need to feel like myself again. But that is part of my issue right now.

I loved my job. It was a major part of who I am. I was anxious to get there in the morning, and get busy. It made me feel like I had a reason to get out of bed, and accomplish things. I knew my job, and knew I did it well. The people that I worked with were great for the most part. Always something interesting when you work with mostly women. My customers knew me, and most had my direct number. I felt needed and wanted,but I don’t have that feeling anymore. I feel they got rid of me like throwing out the trash. My self worth is gone,along with my sense of who I am as a person.

I have 2 wonderful sons, a man in my life who I adore, and my siblings, who are there for me no matter what! I know they need and want me. And that is what shores me up. I have always been a leader and anchor in the Family. But right now,I am like a boat set adrift.

So,I have set some goals. I need to get my house straightened around. It is clean and neat, but not always organized the way I want it. I have been working on my partner’s house,because he wants to put it on the market in the Spring, and move in with me to help with expenses. We are together all the time now. I am happy in my personal life. I pray nightly that something good will come to me soon. Whether it be a job, or my unemployment benefits. They say money can’t buy you happiness. But,if you don’t have it, it can bring you a lot of misery. More to come…

A Day In the Life

I am new to blogging. I am not a journalist, just a middle-age, single, unemployed woman. Who would have ever thought I would be here at this stage of my life? My (un)employment status is rather recent. My life has taken me to many places, some good and some not-so-good. But, this is an all together new place for me.

I have worked for the same financial institution for 21 years. I was terminated for something that wasn’t done intentionally. It was a personal paperwork oversight,and had nothing to do with my job performance. I was a good,loyal employee, and I would never have done anything to cause this to happen.But, I also knew that my position was in jeopardy. I was being downsized out of my job. I was asked to train others to do my job, and was asked to fill in at other locations part time.In the end,I was doing 4 part time jobs in a full time position. I also knew they were looking to hire part timers at minimum wage to take some of the part time work that I was doing. I had a co-worker tell me that she was worried about me. I knew what she meant. She worked in HR.  So,they found a way to let me go without having to pay me severance. And now they are denying my unemployment benefits. Is it not sour grapes, it is just the way of the world now. I am being realistic,and know that I am not the only one who is living this particular nightmare.

I have so many thoughts swirling around, and I don’t know where to put them,or what do do with them. I just wish I could shut my brain down for the night, and let it rest. My mood swings from optimistic to the depth of despair.What will happen to me? How will I survive without money coming in? I now have no health coverage. I am in my mid 50′s,and have some health issues. What if I can’t find another job? I don’t have a college degree, although I do have years of experience. But, I also know I have young college grads competeing for the same positions that I am applying for. Do I even have a chance? I feel like my life is spiralling out of my control. I am scared. I have always worked and been independent. I have raised my 2 sons on my own for the past 7 years. Now, I can’t provide my oldest son with the things he needs so that he can finish his college degree. Failure to thrive. That pretty much sums up my thoughts about myself  right now. No sleep, can’t eat. My stomach swirls, my head aches, and every joint and muscles hurts like I have been beaten.

I get angry at times. Angry at myself for the things that I didn’t do in my life, angry at the people who helped put me here. But, anger is not helping me move forward. I know that, but I am still spinning my wheels. I hope these writings will help me clear my head, get my thoughts where I can see them, and help  me make the evolution back to myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself. I think I look like I have aged 10 years in the past month. I need to swim for my life. Right now I am in a giant whirpool that is pulling me down. My life partner keeps throwing me life rings, and I keep throwing them back. I don’t want to push him away,he is too important to me. I am just confused and miserable.