Well, not much has changed since my last entry, other than my attitude. I can’t keep driving myself crazy. I am still appying for jobs, and I am on all of employment sites every day. But, I am not as obsessed as I was. I still have not gotten any word about my unemployment eligibility, and that is a constant source of stress. It has been seven weeks since I have gotten any income. I worry that my savings will soon be gone. I don’t want to have to depend on my partner, my family or the government to support me. I am starting to sleep at night, but simply because I am exhausted. I am trying to eat and not feel sick. I need to feel like myself again. But that is part of my issue right now.
I loved my job. It was a major part of who I am. I was anxious to get there in the morning, and get busy. It made me feel like I had a reason to get out of bed, and accomplish things. I knew my job, and knew I did it well. The people that I worked with were great for the most part. Always something interesting when you work with mostly women. My customers knew me, and most had my direct number. I felt needed and wanted,but I don’t have that feeling anymore. I feel they got rid of me like throwing out the trash. My self worth is gone,along with my sense of who I am as a person.
I have 2 wonderful sons, a man in my life who I adore, and my siblings, who are there for me no matter what! I know they need and want me. And that is what shores me up. I have always been a leader and anchor in the Family. But right now,I am like a boat set adrift.
So,I have set some goals. I need to get my house straightened around. It is clean and neat, but not always organized the way I want it. I have been working on my partner’s house,because he wants to put it on the market in the Spring, and move in with me to help with expenses. We are together all the time now. I am happy in my personal life. I pray nightly that something good will come to me soon. Whether it be a job, or my unemployment benefits. They say money can’t buy you happiness. But,if you don’t have it, it can bring you a lot of misery. More to come…